Crookshanks is Voldemort
by BalaLey
Summary: What happens to Voldemort after his rebirth is in ruins well he is turned into a cat...all of the wierd happenings at Hogwarts leads back to him in his Quest to kill Harry Potter...This story will tie nicely with so it begins so yeah...
1. My Arrival

A/N new story hoorah yeah! We don't own anything to do with Harry Potter except our messed up plots and ideas.

Voldemort's Diary

May 19, 2006

Oh my dear lord the occurrences at my rebirth were devastating I can't say it…I won't….Petigrew you Mother Fucker (A/N Mindless Self indulgence)…you turned me into a…a…I will fuckin kill you oh wait I already did! YOU TURNED ME INTO A FLUFFY (omg I used the word fluffy) (omg I said omg….OMG) FUCK THIS SHIT…..I'm A KITTY CAT! (and I dance dance dance and I dance dance damce)…fucking authors you think this is funny im a cat!(that dances lol) shut up MOTHER FU (it pies ) stop that you changing what im saying….anywhoo (Remember he's a cat short memory span) now that I'm a cat this may be to my advantage to cough cough cough…hairball…find a way to KILL HARRY POTTER! (cat's can only do one thing at a time so when Voldemort was changed this is what he was thinking about…)

May 20, 2006 three in the mourning

Did you know cats a nocturnal animals….yeah well it sucks. I've been up all night thinking about how to get Harry Potter and Lucius helped me on this matter…He told me a couple of years ago when he had to go check on his wounded son (hippogriff) at the castle he saw a cat that looked just like me…anywhoo Lucius said that it was Harry's because it was following him around the castle…Lucius knows this because the cat scratched his face when he bent over to examine it….why the hell would he do that? I do not know….anyways Lucius says that he is going to the castle to drop off all the boxers that Draco forgot to take and put away Narcissia was very upset with her son about this until they found out that he got lucky whatever the hell that means…I guess he preformed a mass murder without getting caught…so tomorr… no wait today I'm going to Hogwarts and replace Crookshanks…Lucius will get rid of the original cat MUHAHAHAHAHAHA HARRY POTTER YOU ARE IN MY GRASP OF DEATH!

Once again May 20, 2006 noon

Lucius gave me some cat nip to calm my nerves….WOW THAT SHIT IS GOOD… I'm…HYPER… oh look Hogwarts HOOHOORAA….oh look perfect timing Crookshanks is trying to catch a mouse running in the field…hahahaha I've never seen Lucius run after a cat wow he looks like a dork….bulls eye Lucius missed and landed face first in mud anyhoo…ten minutes later he finally caught the thing that I am to impersonate….I HATE THIS…just think Vold…Harry Potter Harry Potter duh duh dah dunt da dunt score! Okay….

I am sitting in a chest of man undies! Holy shit…stairs…Lucius learn to go up stairs without bashing my head in….this chest is made of wood…note to self hitting wood with face pain…must use against HARRY POTTER (he reminds us of Crocker from Fairly Oddparents). So I am in the mail to be given to Draco I don't get it though I'm in the Fucking castle but Filch was all like "no personal deliveries to the common rooms…whaaa…" (thanks Glen)

Four hours later…SHIT

Finally bastard of a man AKA Draco woke up what did he do last night…have sex? Anyway he brought the package to the dungeons opened it up and out I POPPED. I ran right out of the Slytherin common room to find my main objective…

Flash Back

Petigrew walked over to the whiskey jug that was now empty and picked it up "moldy voldemore cakes… rebirth time… go boil in the soup…WEEEEEEEEEEE" the dumb ass fell down the stair and the jug broke he began to sob "my master this my master that…another cocktail please…" I shouted up at him and he fetched me next thing I knew he revealed me to Harry who was sitting on a comfy chair provided by the death eaters also drunk…as I began to say never mind and call it off I got a mouth full of green goop AKA the potion if it even was…

_Petigrew flash back… "Hey Lucius what does that say boogers or bookworms? And that does that say stockings or leat flockings? And that does that say human fat or a big cat?"_

Then I woke up and I was rebirthed into a cat…

End of flash back….


	2. Plan one I

A/N Don't own Harry Potter just the love-ily plot!

May 20, 2006 around noon…

So I finally found Hermione in potions and waited outside for her…she has big hair and I want to touch it…oh look hairy…damn cat can't spell… HARRY okay have to keep in touch with my human side…Hormione looks upset almost angry she would make a good killer…hey look there is bastard of a man he looks mad to in a wimpy sort of way…he would not be a good killer…oh look a funny looking man let's listen… "Today class we'll be making…

"Edible panties!"

"Harry Potter you've said that everyday since since…

"Yesterday…"

"Oh shut up!"

Okay I'm bored screw this…. let's walk around….

Ten minutes later

OMG! I was walking right and my foe…Dumbledore came up to me picked me up and as I stared into his bloodshot eyes he screamed in a baby voice, "whaabba booboo babba… hello little Kitan I wubble you" he shoved he face in my stomach and gave me a RASSBERRY at this I screamed and guess what I can talk still…Dumbledore thought he had a new power…mind reading…dumb ass…he stared tring to talk to me "meow meow meeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww" he sounded like a cat in heat it turned me on…. EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Anywhoo then the worst thing happened Minerva came out of the room of requirement and said that the "pow wow" was ready her hair was down for the first time and she had a belt on her waist holding her hair around her…she wore her hair like a fucking dress…it was long enough it touched the ground and I wanted to pounce on it….unfortunately my urge was too strong and I pounced but as I did so I slid underneath her hair dress and it was a horrible sight you'd think she'd have something on underneath it…fuckin hippies….she then picked me up and asked if I wanted to fish bowl with them…I had a craving for fish so I said yes.

BAD IDEA….they shoved me in a pillow case and it was smoky in there when I came out all I wanted to do was sleep and stare at pretty designs…or catch a mouse…BAD IDEA…it was the room of requirement and like I saw thousands of mice…I went mad….then once I got tired (I killed 15) I got all sketched out that they would seek revenge…Dumbledore and hairy girl tried to make peace with the mad mice by give peace signs I couldn't help I have no goddamn hands! I'm never going fishing again….

I darted through the mice and out the door to see class got out and they were going to lunch god I'm hungry…

May 20, 2006 three o'clock

Hermione had a study block an found me she said I lost a lot of weight and that I should keep doing whatever I did…I'm never going fishing you can't make me! So anyway see brought me up to their layer Muhgahahahahaq my plan is working…. they have a lot of people working in the layer…but I will fool them all because I am a cat! I shall think of a plan….

Damn it I fell asleep it is ten o' clock…I'll go upstairs and attack…god I hate stairs it is such a work out on four legs…whew…okay let's see hmmm…there he's there…

Let's listen

"Harry can I sleep with you again the condom is still there from yesterday…I don't think the house elves can reach it…"

"Yeah fine"

damnit I fell asleep damn catnaps! It is midnight now and HARRY POTTER sleeps with a guard that resembles Hades because his hair is like fire…okay stealth I can sneak attack….

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP…. my God I shook the floor…oh no his guard sat up and is staring at me ohh it's Ron not Hades…

"Harry look a cat with a journal in his mouth" oh no I've been spotted hide my journal plaaaw I'll kick it under the bed highyay! Okay now panic…

"ahhhhhhhhhhhhh….no wait stay in character meow meow meow um..what else do they do hissss hissss…FRISKY FRISKY! POUNCE POUNCE!"

"Harry Crookshanks is on drugs…"

"Hey that was only one time I'll get you for that…I mean HISS…FRISKY!"

I must think through my plans from now on I'll sleep on this empty bed…keep your friends close…keep your enemies closer…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA cough cough hairball…What the hell something fell on me! Ohhh it's a toy…OMG I have a plan I will choke HARRY POTTER with this rubber contraption! I'm genius here you go sleep in my journal…good night…

A/N review plz!


	3. The snake

May 21, 2006

I sleep like a fucking bear…I get up take two steps and the next thing I know it's dark outside what the fuck anywhooo…I woke up around noon and opened my journal and found my toy that I have named Phillip there's bad news though…it's a girl condom (we love fairly odd parents). So anyway….

Idea one- I shall put in the toilet and when he drinks from it he shall choke…

Idea two- I shall put it in the tissue box so that when he blows his nose he shall suffocate from the stench

Idea three- I shall somehow slip it into his food and when he eats it he'll choke…I like this one gosh I'm tired…..

Three hours later

fuckin thunder…I don't like you either woke me up…I hear talking in the common room I want to go see who it is….I thumped down the stairs there was Ron and Harry sitting in comfy chairs and Hermione was sitting on the couch with her face in her hands staring at the floor she looked like an angry demon with all her hair in her face it made me soooo happy I fell down the stairs…nobody noticed…I took a seat on her lap to comfort her and watched Ron and Harry exchange sketchy looks they new my murderess was upset….Ron got up and sat down next to her and asked in a tender but rude way, "Did Dumbledore dump you or something?"

Hermione looked up and her eyes began to water, I've never her seen her so mad that she cried…I want to adopt her…she yelled "you fucking prick!" what ever that means she got up quickly not realizing that I was on her lap I was thrown across the room and screamed as I bashed head first into a fucking wall who puts walls on the floor…she didn't even notice my distress talk about tough love…she screamed 'you know what I'm going for a walk!" and stormed out the stupid red haired freak said in return, "Okay have a nice time."

Okay my observations shall now begin….Harry potter just picked up a book note to self use a book to kill Harry potter…Ron is walking around with A.D.D written all over his face….he turns to Harry, "let's make biscuits!" Harry looks up go away….Ron looked at him shocked and responds, "I love them good!" (A/N WE LOVE GRR)…

Ten minutes of observing have passed…I'm bored SHITLESS until Ron goes on about Hermione and Draco 'going at it' he's such a stupid boy even I know they have a thing for each other just from looking in during potions class for five minutes….they've totally whipped each other…Ron ran upstairs and I was so happy his foolish flaming haired guard left I shouted… "Muhahahahahaahahaha HARRY POTTER YOU FOOL YOU ARE HARMLESS WITHOUT YOUR BODYGAURD...I MEAN MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!" too bad they heard me but Harry is so dense he tells Ron to shut up hahahahaha I have befuddled thee!

A couple minutes later I see Harry do the most disgusting and degrading thing ever…. He took out a dirty magazine…he mumbles to himself, 'I can't believe I'm actually going straight…" whatever that means I think he was referring to the snake in his pants that looked angry as hell to be in there standing up and ready to strike…I couldn't help myself I shouted, "you're absolutely disgusting and there's a baby garden snake in your pants!" he threw the magazine into his book and looked sketchily around the room then takes it out again and the garden snake gets angrier go garden snake it is wrong to look at dirty magazines…then again I feel bad for Harry I'll go help…I'm on his lap pawing at the snake but it doesn't go away, I look up and see a huge naked woman in my face and scream, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's absolutely disgusting!" Harry looks around and pulls down the magazine and startled by me screams like a girl…Ron comes running downstairs screaming about his Harry-boo I curl up around the snake maybe I can beat it at its own game…constricting….he hides the magazine and I tighten around the snake…Ron is now right next to us and Harry lets out a moan and his eyes roll did the snake bite? Ron says what's wrong…Harry responds the cat startled me and just dug his nails into my lap…" I DID NOT! HE LIES! He tells Ron to go away and he obeys….Harry looks at me in a violated way…I look at the bastard of a snake and bite it good and hard…apparently Harry didn't like this he got up and frantically ran around bashing me against everything I would not let go at one point he grabbed at table and repeatedly bashed me against it and I then gave up and let go…he then picked me up and screamed what are you doing I responded nothing and this freaked him out even more so to bring him out of his hysteria I smacked him well more like gashed him…he dropped me and yelled I attacked the snake again by digging my nails in…he ripped me off in rage and then grabbed the snake himself finally I helped him realize the garden snake in his pants…he started running around the common room screaming the pledge of allegiance…which is weird because that's an American thing I heard a rumor he was though…Ron came downstairs and tried to comfort Harry and once touched him the excitement left his face and the snake left instantly…perfect time to leave the scene…

I traveled around the castle and decided to my old home…the dungeons….


	4. snakes again

So it's the same day and I'm exploring the dungeons the thunderstorm is still going strong and I kinda li-WHAT THE FUCK….my daughter (not yet but she's like one to me how how evil she is) is with a boy GASP it the BASTARD OF A MAN I hate him and his soft plaid boxers…grrr GASP he kissed her GASP he touched her GASP she touched him WHAT IS THIS MADNESS… THERE"S AN ANACONDA IN HIS PANTS…WHAT IS UP WITH THESE SNAKES…"oh god Hermione watch out it may bite you!" OOOps I said that out loud they are looking sketchily around then he rips of his pants "GOOD BOY KILL THE SNAKE…HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT!" OOPs again they pause…oooo I remember that now I once had one…. "HERMIONE DON'T TOUCH IT! IT DRIPS WITH EVIL SIN" she is now freaked out and yells "DRACO THE FUCKING HOUSE ELVES ARE BACK!" He looks around and says "accio huge ASS curtain" this curtain flies outta no where's and assembles itself and he pulls it around the cell…I can't save her from the sin! Then I hear… "I've decided abstinence" "GOOD GIRL!" I scream…they begin to talk and I fall asleep….when I wake up I hear them talking the bastard says "my power was too strong for you my lovely pet…great moves by the way…" my daughter responds "shut up!"

I peak through the curtain and they are wrapped in a blanket…"IF I HAD SIN GOGGLES YOU"D BE DRIPPING WITH IT!"

Bastard then says, "WOW that house elf sounds like a catholic Voldemort!"

Time to go…I flee the scene…. time to sabotage the soup


End file.
